Spring Break is Ending.

A little less than a year ago, I watched the film "The Lovely Bones" after reading the novel by Alice Sebold. My pa was visiting Evansville for work, and I was staying with him in his hotel room, as I did so often after I attempted suicide. Since I had just finished the book, it made sense to watch the movie. I started it at midnight, and by about three o'clock in the morning, I was outside the hotel smoking and trying to breath all at once. I believe I blogged about this moment.

I didn't know if I'd watch this movie again.

I turned in my papers to complete my college career, and earn my degree, today. I didn't think I'd feel anything afterwards--my greatest fear was feeling numb, or even worse, feeling unwilling to let them go.

I felt a little giddy, a little enthusiastic. Then tonight, my voice cracked when I shared with a friend--in a voicemail, ha!--that I finally finished them. Took nearly a year of my life, but that's the way things go sometimes, and I really couldn't express my gratitude to my professors who have nurtured and hard-headed me along.

I rented this movie as background music for my papers. I didn't really watch it, until tonight. And I remembered everything, and a new channel in my brain has been formed--this movie now brings purpose, sorrow, but peace too.

When I first watched it, I felt such overwhelming shame. Ever since I had been raped, I'd wanted to die. I'd wished I had died then. When I finally attempted suicide, nearly 11 years after the rape, I couldn't do it knowing how much this hurt would never leave my family. When I saw this film, I realized how awful that wish that I had died when I was raped truly was. This is bravery, Sebold, and I thank you for it. My life has new meaning now, in part because of this side of wishes that you dared to show, in a book, and in a movie.

Yeah, I'm sure she made some good money from these ventures. But Sebold was raped too. If she's profiting from it now, it's not because it's rape money, it's not dirty money. It's well-earned cash--it's a living. It's a life.

I don't know that I'll ever profit more from my rape more than the lawsuit after I was raped, but I do have a continued, but so much saner, purpose for writing about rape. For reading about rape. For knowing rape.

For now though, I'm so excited about mysteries, and food, and cleaning my apartment, and eating more green stuff that grows naturally.

This is my last rape blog post for awhile. I've lived nothing but rape for a solid week now--I need a break from this part of myself. I hope you'll take it with me, and go read a good Agatha Christie. Thank you for reading, though. Thank you for braving your ears and eyes and minds with me. Let's just hope I haven't fucked you up much. =) (Therapy is always a good option, I promise.)

Love.