Break On Through to the Other Side

I was reading past some of my blog posts just now. Hot damn, what a year. I have come a long way, and I hope we all have.

I've gained weight. I'm dating someone wonderful. He's someone completely unlike me. He makes me watch shows I don't really like, but I like laughing with him. He makes pizza with me on Friday nights. We do laundry together, cry together, make the bed together, take walks, promise each other we'll do the dishes and finally do them together a few days later. I could never have imagined such companionship. My heart couldn't contain more gratitude, but fortunately, it does. My mind deepens, my smile is easier and wider and softer and prettier, my body rests. Maybe it's not all due to his presence in my life, but his presence in my life makes all of these things sweeter.

I don't miss anything right now. Not a thing.

The going-away party Willard Library threw for me was on Monday. I cried all morning. I described it as though I was breaking up with someone I had planned on being with for another year. I was going to make meatballs, and I bought the sauce stuff but I forgot the balls of meat. I made "spider cider" punch, but forgot that you're supposed to make it hot, not cold.

These social events, while fun to plan and anticipate, are always quite...melancholy. I don't like being the center of attention, but I was genuinely touched by the kindness of everyone, of everyone simply taking some time from working just to be there with me, laugh with me a little more, eat (delicious!) food together. My fellow comrades there are beautiful, unique individuals whom I'd love to sit down and drink coffee with face-to-face, each and every one. I want to hear their stories--how they met their husbands, what they do on Sunday afternoons, what they still dream of doing and being--and I want to treat each of them to their very own cake from Piece of Cake, because we're all so deserving of grace and beauty.

Yet I look forward to next week. I am happy about Monday. Oh, I definitely already have plans. (= I'm excited to feel good, naturally, not to have to struggle so much to feel good. It's becoming less of a struggle, this is true. Life is something to suffer in and delight through; I'm only beginning to feel the warmth of this balance.

I think I could live on my own again someday. Really life, thrive, on my own. But that is not right now. I am living with my own person, this is true. But I do need to get down this community mentality first, before I can discover that I am an individual. We sometimes do things backwards.

June is a terrible month. (Besides my Grandmother June entering the world, of course.) April is over-rated. December is scary. November is just right.

Happy last few days of October.